The Captain’s Log 4

Road Trip, Green Sludge and an Elbow in the Balls

It’s 10 past 10 in the morning and I’m sitting here in a tiny corner cafe in Euston drinking a glass of of decaffeinated latte which is going down nicely. What won’t go down nicely is the other glass on my table. Green Sludge. It’s good for me. It has a home made label on the front and it contains spinach, Apple, cucumber, celery and ginger. I was torn between this and another bottle which contained purple sludge. The cafe manager tells me that the purple one is more ‘earthy’. I don’t know what that means but I know I don’t fancy it.

So I sit and i drink through gritted teeth, feeling each slop of this slimey liquid ooze down my throat like an alien lizard exploring my innards. I just need to remember once again that it really is good for me. I passed a Homeless Man on the way up here. He had a sign. ‘No Home. No Job. No Money.’ I walked past because everyone was walking past. But then I stopped a little way up. I couldn’t just abandon him. This immigrant man who had come to this country with so much hope in his heart of a new future and here he was in London, on a cold blustery day, his desperate eyes telling a tale I just could not ignore. I opened my wallet because he had opened my heart and I took out a mere £5. One note. I walked back. I made eye contact. I smiled. With no words I placed the note in his hand. He said thank you in a barely audible breathe and we parted. I knew it was right. I knew he needed it more than me.

Today I’m working for an amazing charity called ‘Spread A Smile’. I will be going into the children’s wards of University College Hospital accompanied by a Fairy, two Close up Magicians (my mates Nick Einhorn and Ian Manly), a singer and whatever I am. Our job is very simple and yet wonderfully rewarding. We ease boredom, distract them from pain and nervousness and create a few giggles along the way. I love my job. Pudsey Bear and Fern Cotton (off the telly) will also be joining us to celebrate the fact the ‘Spread A Smile’ received funding from Children in Need to continue their amazing work.

Last week I went on a bit of a ‘Road Trip’ with Isabelle; my kind hearted, scarlet haired younger sister. We where always very close growing up but the pace of life and bringing up ones own family can get in the way of sibling relationships so I was so pleased to have a day with her. Just the two of us and the highway. I picked her up from her flat in Finchley. She had convinced her staff and colleagues at Harrods to donate some kids toys to a few children’s hospitals and she was joining me on a day of visits. I have to say; it was a great day. She threw herself whole heartedly into the role of my comedy assistant. I pied her face twice and she did not mind one bit. What a trooper. If your reading this then thank you Isabelle. You where brilliant. Let’s do it again sometime.

Another sip of slime goes down the gullet and as I wince; I recall last weekends parties. It is true to say; in most cases when a parent tells me they don’t understand why their child never gets picked by an entertainer at a party to come up then there is probably a very good reason. I suspect it is because your child is probably not quite the angel you may think they are. I recall the birthday boy at one of my parties.

“He doesn’t get picked often”. Mum said.

I couldn’t see why. As I was setting up I glanced across at him and coyly smiled back. He was helping his Grandma lay the tea table. He seemed like a good kid. His friends entered and they all sat down behind a taped line I’d placed down. They where all energetic and smile and giggly and he was engaging with his friends playfully. So I called him up to help me. In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman; “Big mistake! Huge!” As his elbow thrust into my nether regions, followed by an almighty stamp on the bridge of my foot I realised exactly why he didn’t get called up usually. He was a show off and he wanted his friends to laugh heartily at his actions and the more they did, the more aggressive towards me he became. I got him sat down very quickly after that and decided I would be a little more discerning who I picked to join me next time.

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About The Captains Log

Dov Citron aka Captain Calamity is a deeply flawed Human Being, A Man who never grew up, Father of two young cheeky and overly spoilt middle class boys and a Husband to a very understanding and also very stubborn Wife. He is also a Multi Award Winning Children's Entertainer, Blogger, YouTuber and Picture Book Author. His Blogs are a candid, honest, humorous and quirky view of every day life's trials and tribulations and the huge contrast between being a family man and Captain Calamity Children's Entertainer.
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